The first step of tackling emotional work is to make invisible work, visible.
In most marriages, there is always a partner responsible for a noticeable but still unseen aspect of labour called emotional work. This goes beyond just managing the house; it includes all the mental planning, scheduling, and execution that goes into keeping a family emotionally healthy. Emotional work consists of planning and remembering birthdays, preparing meals, monitoring school assignments, and generally ‘taking care of every single family member’. If this effort goes unnoticed and is not divided fairly, it can lead to anger, disappointment, resentment, and issues in the relationship.
Maintaining this equilibrium necessitates consistent communication. Holding weekly or monthly check-ins can serve as an effective means to evaluate what is functioning well, what is not, and how obligations may need to adapt as situations evolve. Such discussions also enable partners to confront any feelings of imbalance or stress before they develop into enduring frustration.
Moreover, recognition and gratitude are just as essential. Acknowledging the mental and emotional investment in each other’s efforts cultivates trust and intimacy. A simple “thank you” for handling an unseen responsibility can significantly contribute to fostering a stronger sense of partnership and collaboration.
The first step of tackling emotional work is to make invisible work, visible. Both partners need to set aside some time and list all the requirements for the optimal performance of the household. This encompasses tangible activities like cooking, and laundry, and softer tasks, such as managing family calendars or networking. Listing these tasks can provide both partners with a fair idea of the work expected and help them understand each others’ contributions.
Now that we know what needs to be done, the next step is fairly distributing tasks. Fair does not mean equal; this means you do not have to divide everything by half. Rather, equity means trust, which indicates dividing responsibilities depending on the strengths of the individuals.
Eve Rodsky, the author of ‘Fair Play’ suggests a great exercise to do together. Create a “task card deck” to divide household responsibilities. Together, write down all the tasks required to manage your home and family. Then divide the cards based on preferences, strengths, and time availability. The key is that whoever holds a card takes full ownership of the task from start to finish. Revisit the deck regularly to renegotiate if needed.
When couples consciously tackle emotional labor, they establish a basis of respect, equity, and shared commitment. By collaboratively managing both the mental and physical demands, they can alleviate burnout and resentment, leading to a more connected and harmonious relationship. Deliberate systems, defined expectations, and continuous communication are crucial for this process.
